My Fault
by ccinnie
Summary: Courtney kills herself after finding out about Duncan and Gwen's kiss, Duncan thinks its all his fault, and he tries to cope with it. Duncan POV, DuncanxCourtney
1. Chapter 1

Okay well I wrote another DuncanxCourtney story, I know I never finished my first one, and I probably never will, sorry): I wrote this because I was on wikipedia looking at the episodes for TDWT, and I was reading about what happened in each, and Gwen and Duncan become a couple :(((( I was really freaking pissed off to be honest, so yeah. Also its just gonna be 2 chapters, I wrote both already :D so I'm gonna post both of them up

Anyway I don't own squat

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We were cleaning out all of her stuff. Everyone was looking at me sympathetically, I kept telling them I didn't care. But they didn't know it was killing me inside, especially knowing it was all my fault, all my god damn fault. Gwen came up and tired to hug me, I forcefully pushed her away, not really caring if it hurt her or not. I can't believe I actually made myself believe I like Gwen over Courtney, it was impulsive act, and I didn't care at the time. I really thought I didn't like Courtney and I was head over heels for Gwen. But how wrong I was. I really didn't know how much I meant to Courtney, not until I saw the water, drenched with blood.

At that moment, I knew it was my fault, my fault she killed herself. People tried to convince me that wasn't true, but I knew better. We were picking up clothing and books and putting them in boxes. Then I found something, her diary. I flipped through it until I got to the last entry, it was hard to make out because the ink was smeared from tears. I knew I had to go somewhere else to read so no one would notice what I was doing. I told them I was going to the bathroom and snuck out the book.

I crammed myself into the small space that was our bathroom. I opened the diary once again to that last entry. And I began to read it, knowing I would start crying:

_Dear Diary,_

_This shall be my last entry, for I will be killing myself tonight. Why, you ask? I found out Duncan kissed Gwen. You would think this would be an irrational move to make over some boy, but he isn't some boy, he was the only one to truly love me, or so I thought. A couple weeks after I was born, both of my parents were killed in a hostage situation, but they somehow managed to save me. I wish they didn't. I was picked up by an orphanage. I have lived with many foster families, but to be honest, none of them really cared about me, let alone loved me. That's why in school I always tried to succeed, because school was all I had. People would always talk behind my back, talk about how weird I was and how I had no home. I always put up an image of that I had great self esteem and I thought I was wonderful in every way, but I never thought of myself like that, I always hated myself. I then decided to do something, try out for this god forsaken show. And just my luck, I got on it. This is where I met the man I really thought I loved, and who loved me back, Duncan. He didn't care to know about my past, so it was just like a clean slate. He truly made me feel good about myself, always poking fun at me and making me laugh. He was the first person to actually care about me, and should I say, even loved? I know we had our rough patches, but we always ended up back together. No matter what he always seemed like he loved me, and I loved that. We made it though the silly shows and finally made it to Total Drama World Tour. I was sad he left, but it made total sense to me. But I still thought we would always end up back together. Then he came back! I was so happy and excited, until I found out what happened. And now we are at the present. I've decided to kill myself because I'm quite sure that no one will love me. The one person who I thought had, really didn't. He never actually cared, it was all just a big, god damn lie. But I should've guessed that, I had convinced myself no one could ever love me, and as it turns out, no one ever can. So what is the point of living a life where you can never have love? I don't see one. So I will say farewell now, go out and steal one of the cars when we land, and find a tall bridge and jump off. _

_Good-bye everyone_

_-Courtney_

Oh my god, the tears are now fully flowing down my face. The last parts really killed me, she really thought I didn't care. I loved her so much, and I can't believe I was so stupid. And I know this was all my fault, this pretty much proves it. I walked out of the bathroom with my tear drenched face. Gwen came up and once again tried to comfort me, but I completely ignored her, I ignored all the people trying to talk with me as I walked out of the plane. I began to walk towards the crime sight where she had jumped. _I could've prevented all of this, _I thought to myself as I began to see all of the police cars. Once I got to them I looked over the bridge, but I couldn't look for more than a few seconds.

I saw the water, I saw the water that was now covered in blood, her blood. It was all my fault, all of this. I then looked over and saw some sort of machine with a rope attached start descending towards the water. I looked down again to see someone in the water waiting for the rope. I saw he was holding something, I looked closer, it was her drowned body. I couldn't look anymore, and turned away once the tears started rolling down again. I heard the machine making noise again, and I knew that the man and her body were getting brought up. I looked over for a second, I couldn't stand looking at her, she looked so troubled, so sad and angry, and yet somehow peaceful, like all of the terrible things she had to endure were now all gone. But I took one look at her drenched body covered in bruises, cuts, and broken body parts, and looked away again. I started walking back, not wanting to be here anymore.

I came back to the plane unseen and hid outside of it, hoping no one would come out looking for me. I hid in a small forest behind where the plane landed, and slowly fell asleep.

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Yeah, I know its depressing, that seems like the only way I can write things XD So it would be cool if you commented(: Gonna go put up the next chapter now!


	2. Chapter 2

Here's the second part of two, its a song fic. Tonight-FM Static, how I love that song. So hopefully you like it.

And once again, I don't own squat.

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When I woke up it was nighttime, I had no idea the actual time, but I am guessing it was 10 or 11 pm. I decided to walk back to the plane, no one seemed to be awake. I decided to steal one of the cars that were parked outside of it. It was a black ford ranger. I got in to discover that someone left the keys still in it, which made this easier. I turned it on and began to randomly start driving down the streets of this unknown city. I turned on the radio, and the song that came up was Tonight by FM Static. _Wonderful, _I thought to myself, another thing to put my mind back on her. As it started I couldn't help but think of times together.

_I remember the times we spent together  
on those drives  
We had a million questions  
all about our lives_

Me and Courtney were driving all over Canada after the first season, we were talking and laughing. She would ask if we would be together forever and I always told her yes. I would ask about what we would do after the show and what do after high school. She told me we should try to go the college and maybe even try to live together. We would ask more and more questions and I couldn't help but look forward to the rest of our lives.

_and when we got to New York  
everything felt right_

When she landed in New York for one of the challenges, I actually snuck into New York and found her. The cameras never found us. We were so happy, and I can't believe that my mind was changed so quickly after that. I hate myself for that.

_I wish you were here with me  
tonight_

I stopped the car, I just had to cry hearing those lines. God I wished she was with me, so, so much.

_I remember the days we spent together  
were not enough  
and it used to feel like dreamin'  
except we always woke up_

I remember one time laying in a field with her. It was so magical. It really did feel like we were in the most perfect dream. Except we were never sleeping. It was so nice being by ourselves, not worrying about someone watching us.

_Never thought not having you  
here now would hurt so much_

I thought I wouldn't miss her when I was with Gwen, now it feels as though my heart itself is dying.

_Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up  
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up  
And every night I miss you  
I can just look up  
and know the stars are  
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight_

I broke down, just right there, my head in my hands, hysterically crying. I then imagined her being there, helping me up, getting me on my feet, and hugging me. But I knew that wasn't real, so I just looked up, and hoped that she was happy there, up in the sky, among the stars.

_I remember the time you told me about when you were eight  
And all those things you said that night that just couldn't wait  
I remember the car you were last seen in_

Memories flooded in. Like when she told me about how happy she was she won her first award when she was 8, and she felt as though she accomplished something. When she told me about how she thought I was leaving her during season 2, and I reassured her I would always be there for her. I can't believe myself, I'm such a terrible person. And I remember seeing the red Mustang that she had stolen when I was at the crime scene.

_and the games we would play  
All the times we spilled our coffees  
and stayed out way too late_

I remembered the random, silly games she would come up with that we would play together. And when we were rushing and accidently ran into each other while holding our coffee, and we both ended up spilling each others', and we just ended up laughing. And the one night when we ditched Total Drama for a night out and got back at 4 am.

_I remember the time you told me about your Jesus  
and how not to look back even if no one believes us  
When it hurt so bad sometimes  
not having you here..._

And the one time when she sat me down and told me about Judaism, and she was so excited to explain it to someone who didn't really know all that much about it. And when we were walking on the beach during a sunset, and I was looking back at some disappointed faces, and she told me to never, ever look back, because they didn't know what we had. And now I think about how she isn't here anymore, to do all these things and more together.

_I sing,  
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up  
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up  
And every night I miss you  
I can just look up  
and know the stars are  
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight_

I got out of the car and get the ground and started to cry. I couldn't stop, it's all just too hard. I closed my eyes tightly, wishing this was all a dream. Once I opened them again, I could see her though my tears, her standing there in a white dress, her hair covered in stars and she puts out a hand to help me up.

_I sing,  
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up  
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up  
And every night I miss you  
I can just look up  
and know the stars are  
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight_

I put out my hand and she helped me up. She then came closer and whispered in my ear, "I love you." I replied with the same as she wiped away my tears. She then began to fade. I looked up at the stars, and I know that she will be okay. And she will watch over me, and that she also finally forgives me.

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THE END! Look I actually finished something! I'm so proud of myself(: So if you could comment, that would be really nice. Thank you for reading!


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